Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Sunday, December 20, 2009

How to negotiate with a Georgian Prostitute.

A gentleman's guide to the darker side of Georgian London

Have you ever pondered how to procure one of Georgian London's plentiful prostitutes? What are the nuances and subtleties involved? How would one, if one was so inclined, go about gaining a few moments of time with the plethora of choices available? Follow this comprehensive guide and you too could negotiate with a Georgian Prostitute.

Getting Started

When one is beginning to think about procuring a Georgian prostitute, you must be aware of the various levels of the women (and men) available for hire. On the top rung of the ladder, as it were, would be the mistress or
'The Splendid Madam'. She would be the most desired of 'ladies' and would involve a complicated, and expensive, negotiation. Somewhere in the middle of our metaphorical ladder would be the 'Tavern Whore'- somewhat rougher around the edges but by far more affordable. At the most definite bottom of the ladder would be the common street walker. And, gentlemen, my most learned advice to you would be to avoid at all costs. But if needs must, use common sense and avoid any with noticeable scars from the 'French Pox'.

Supply List
- Money (amount needed will depend on quality of prostitute intended for procurement)
- Flask of wine or pint of Gin (again this may be used as payment depending on quality of prostitute intended for procurement)
- Mercury tablets, mercury plasters and camphor liniments (for the inevitable treatment of the venereal diseases you most definitely will catch)
- The name of a good surgeon (this is also for the painstaking surgery that you may have to endure for the treatment of various venereal diseases)

The tools you will need will vary, again, by which quality of prostitute you intend to hire. Some things that you may need would be:
- A title. This would be beneficial if trying to procure a quality mistress. A Duke or Earl is preferred to Governor in the eyes of the high class mistresses
- A button up pocket. This would be handy whilst visiting any grade of prostitute as wandering hands often come back with your purse in their clutches
- A level head. Gentlemen, I can not stress the importance of sobriety when going about your business with Georgian prostitutes. A few of the less salubrious ladies may prey upon the intoxicated gentleman- and they may wake up stripped of all valuables and or, worse, thrown in the Thames.

Step-by-step instructions

1. Step One
If when walking through one of London's many streets, you pass a comely lady, and you fancy your chances with her- please approach with caution. Some streetwalkers are known to 'dress above their station' in the manner of gentlewomen. The offence caused would no doubt end in a slap to one's face or a duel with the offended's husband.

2. Step Two
After ensuring that the lady on the street is indeed a paid prostitute, approach with a smile and welcoming manner. Perhaps offer her a drink from your wine flask or to go for a dram of gin at one of London's many taverns. She will most often, take you up on this kind offer, and then ask for a shilling for her time. This is the time to ask the prostitute if she has a venereal disease. They will inevitably reply 'no', but she will be lying. As you are shopping in the lowest area of the market, it is a risk you will have to take.

3. Step Three
After striking a deal and exchange of money, a suitable venue must be agreed upon for fornication. Now, as you have chosen the lowest form of prostitute in a streetwalker, your options are bleak. Most streetwalkers are lacking in decorum and may offer to perform the services right there on the street. This is not unusual in some of London's more disreputable areas. Please if you do receive service on the street, keep your wits about you, as often a streetwalker will 'distract' you whilst a companion picks your pocket.

4. Step Four
If you have decided that a little more money can be spent in the exchange of desire, a 'Tavern Whore' is for you. The negotiating with a Tavern Whore is different to that of a streetwalker although some steps are interchangeable (see Step One). Now that you have ascertained that the lady is indeed a prostitute, offer to buy her a dram of gin- a popular and potent concoction largely favoured by the poor and alcoholic. After sharing a dram or two of 'Mother's Ruin'- ask to accompany the lady to her lodgings.
5. Step Five
Once in the Tavern Whore's boudoir (which may well be a large cupboard of sorts with a straw mattress above said tavern), make yourself aware of the surroundings. Is someone hiding behind those curtains? Better make sure. Once again, prostitutes are not known for their honesty. After you are certain there is no one else in the room, pay the Tavern Whore a few shillings. Once again use this opportunity to ask about venereal disease. She will again lie to you about her condition, but do take notice of any open sores or lesions about her person.

6. Step Six
After business has been conducted, and you are certain that she has not stolen your handkerchief or purse, make your way back down to the tavern bar and give the landlord a few coins. This will serve as a thank you and keep you in favour with the house- as often the Tavern Whore will be the wife of the landlord. Please do not be offended if the lady you have just spent time with, immediately goes back upstairs with another gentleman- it is her job.

7. Step Seven
If you find yourself with plenty of money- perhaps through inheritance or wise investment, you may wish to procure yourself a mistress. This is not as easy as gaining favour with the other gradients of prostitutes- it calls for intense negotiation and substantial moneys being exchanged. Firstly, after finding a mistress of standing and reputation befitting a gentleman of your stature, have your friends approach her friends to make note of your interest.
8. Step Eight
After logging your interest with her friends, await her response and demands. Some of these demands may seem trivial, but to a mistress who knows that another is around the corner, would do well to plan her future. And any mistress of reputation, would do wonders for your reputation and standing- so budget accordingly. They may request a yearly 'salary'- of let's say £2000. Not bad you may be thinking, but that works out to £100, 000 in today’s money- and that is not even for a high standard mistress but for an opera dancer. Also, they may demand 'pin money', which is an allowance for jewellery and clothing. A well known and coveted mistress may also ask for a home, coach, servants and more. Choose wisely, as she and not your wife, will be attending most social functions that a gentleman of standing is required to attend.

9. Step Nine
After agreeing to her lengthy list of demands, you have a 'binding' contract. You will undoubtedly have to pay a down payment as well- and this is all before any sexual favours are exchanged. Now if you do decide to go with a mistress, understand that she may have several benefactors. Her time is your time, when she has the time. Do not be jealous. Do not be angry. But she may also be having sexual relations with some of your friends as well.

10. Final Step
Now we have come to the conclusion of the step by step guide for negotiating with a Georgian prostitute. I can not advise you enough to use caution when undertaking any of my suggestions. Syphilis (The French Pox) is rampant in Georgian London and most prostitutes will be affected with it. Avoid all with black mercury plasters on their faces or, in extreme cases, prosthetic noses- these prostitutes have entered the last stage in their infection and are soon to go mad. But, gentlemen, I bid you luck in your endeavours- if my instructions are followed, hopefully a successful transaction will have taken place.

(Benjamin Franklin House - scientist, diplomat, philosopher, inventor, Founding Father of the United States and more)